Smokey & the Bandit
by Elfbrat18
Summary: Burt Reynolds eat your heart out! Bandit, Frog, and Snowman are back again running from the clutches of Sheriff Buford T. Justice and feeling a little...toonish. Character list on first chapter. Please review!
1. Default Chapter

**Elfbrat18: I know, I know. I've got three other stories that I should be working on, but I can't help it if I get a brainstorm. So what's one more story to add to the list?**

**Whistler: I think you're crazy.**

**Elfbrat18: Yes, but that's why you're here!**

**Whistler: Yeah, to save your ass...**

**Elfbrat18: ...and that's why I love ya. Anyway, here's what I got: what do you get when you take a movie from the 70s that involves car chases, convoys, and bootlegging, and combine it with Yugioh? **

**Whistler: It's Smokey and the Bandit gone horribly wrong!**

**Elfbrat18: You say that like it's a bad thing.**

**Whistler: It's not...it's just-you do know you're crazy, right?**

**Elfbrat18: Yeah, why do you ask?**

**Whistler: No reason. Okay readers, apart from listening to us argue, this is just a casting list that Elfbrat18 and I have come up with. We tried like hell to make sure the characters chosen represent the actors/actresses, but be prepared for MAJOR OOC-NESS! And this was all Elfbrat18's idea, so take it out on her if you don't like it (but try to be nice).**

**Elfbrat18: So here you go, people, the cast list for Smokey & the Bandit - The Yugioh Version.**

The Smokey & the Bandit - The Yugioh Version

Bandit-Yami

Carrie-Anzu

Cledus-Seto

Fred-Fred

Junior-Raphael

Little Enos-Yami Bakura

Big Enos-Ryou

Patrolman-Traffic Jam-Odeon

Branford-Shadi

Mr. B-Marik

Waynette-Serenity

Hot Pants-Mai

Little Beaver-Isis

Branford's Deputy-Joey

Sugar Bear-Varon (Valin, whatever way ya spell it)

Georgia Trooper-Alastor

Alabama Trooper-Yugi

Buford T. Justice-Darts

Grave Robber-Prof. Hawkins

Good Witch of the North-Rebecca

Lamar-Duke

Foxy lady-Mana

Mokuba, Grandpa Mutou, and Tristan will make their appearance, but you'll have to wait and find out where.

**Elfbrat18: Okay, that's it. This will be the cast of characters. **

**Whistler: What about the people who have never seen the movie?**

**Elfbrat18: I suggest you go out and rent it, or buy it if you can find it. It is so funny! Anyway, apart from the characters and the way they act, the story won't change much. But just imagine each chapter playing out like an episode, and you'll be laughing your butt off. Say, that gives me an idea...Whistler! Get the phone!**

**Whistler: Why?**

**Elfbrat18: Find Kazuki Takahashi's phone number! This would so make a cool series!**

**Whistler: (hiding the phone) Oh boy...she's off on a rant again...Well, people, now's your chance. Let us know what you think about the casting. Yeah, some of them sound bogus, and if you email Elfbrat18 (go to her profile page to get her email), we will try to explain our reasons, or if you can come up with a better idea, great! Cause we sat down for two hours trying to figure this out. Some came about quicker than others, and Elfbrat18 just said we'll stick so an so here and see how that works out...yada yada yada... So, just tell us what you think while I try to keep Elfbrat18 from dialing a REALLY, REALLY, REALLY long distance phone number. **

**Elfbrat18: Nice try, Whistler, I just found the phone! Hahaha! (runs off to search for the phone book)**

**Whistler: Talk to yall later! (follows Elfbrat18) Girl, you better give me back that phone! Don't run away from me! Get back here! Your parents will kill you! This ain't working...!**


	2. The Beer Bust

**Elfbrat18: Well, here's the first chapter.**

**Whistler: Yeah, if you get confused as to who's who, check back at what we first posted. But we will use their names in place of the characters, unless a nickname comes along. Anyway, I think I just confused you more so just read it. It'll make more sense instead of me explaining it.**

**Elfbrat18: And doing a horrible job. Anyway, read and review!**

**The Beer Bust**

_The scene opens with the sounds of an engine being started up, accompanied by the movement of mechanical parts as a Rig begins to move down the road.

* * *

_

_You heard 'bout the legend of Jesse James_

_And John Henry just to mention some names_

_But there's a truck-drivin' legend in the South today_

_A man called Bandit from Atlanta, GA_

_Every gearjammer knows his name_

_They swear he got asphalt a-runnin' in his veins_

_A foot like lead and nerves like steel_

_He's gonna go to glory ridin' 18 wheels_

_Oh boy_

_He left Atlanta back in '63_

_Haulin' him a load up to Tennessee_

_He hit Mount Eagle in a drivin' rain_

_So hard he couldn't even see the passin' lane_

_Well he started down the grade when he lost a gear_

_He hit them brakes_

_Found he had no air_

_The Mount Eagle grade is steep and long_

_And everybody that seen it thought the Bandit was gone_

_All gone_

_Well his truck jackknifed_

_Turned completely around_

_He was comin' down backwards 'bout the speed of sound_

_A lot of folks seen him and they all say_

_He had his head out the window yellin' "Clear the way"_

_Well he got to the bottom safe and sound_

_Everybody asked Bandit how he made it down_

_He said, "Folks when the truck picked up too much speed_

_I just run along beside it and drug my feet"_

_Ya heard the legend of Jesse James_

_And John Henry just to mention some names_

_But there's a truck-drivin' legend in the South today_

_A man called Bandit from Atlanta, GA_

_Every gearjammer knows his name_

_They swear he got asphalt a-runnin' in his veins_

_A foot like lead and nerves like steel_

_He's gonna go to glory ridin' 18 wheels_

_Ah, tell me, boy_

_Talk to me guitar

* * *

_

_The scene of the Rig traveling down numerous streets fades out to a man in a tacky bluish and white shirt and tan pants paying a guy as a vehicle approaches.

* * *

_

Three or four guys come out, the driver an officer. "Hey Kirk, how ya doin'?"

"Tod Engles. How are ya?"

An old guy with a tan jacket on walks up to the truck driver. "This your rig, son?"

"Yeah." He replies, glancing at it.

"Open it up. Let's see the manifest." the other guy demands.

He opens the back doors to reveal cases of beer stacked to the ceiling of the trailer. Kirk just sighs and looks at the ground, accepting defeat.

"Well," the guy says, taking the pipe out of him mouth, "placin' you under arrest for transportin' alcoholic beverages across state lines without the proper permits."

Kirk just sighs and fiddles with his hands. "And that means, you dumb cowboy..." Kirk glances up. "...you know truckin' Coors beer east of Texas is bootleggin'.This here's Georgia son." He finishes, placing the pipe back in his mouth.

Kirk, trying to reason with the man, said, "Well, I Just a friendly bet.These, uh, two old boys, they put me up to it."

"Now when ya gonna learn? Big and Little Enos Burdette make that same bet with every gearjammer they can."

* * *

_Scene changes again to a shot of the back of a red convertible, the Texas plate reading MR. BIG, and the backs of two identically dressed men in blue suits and white cowboy hats, driving by swarms of people at what appears to be a rodeo for truckdrivers.

* * *

_

"I say he ain't gonna go for your game." One says.

"Son, from what I've heard, the biggest thing about the Bandit is his ego, and I figure that, plus a lot of my dollars, and he'll try anything, legal or not."

As the motors rev from the cabs of rigs, the announcer comes onto the P.A. as the flag is waved.

"Well sir, now, they put on quite a show for us today, haven't they, friends? Yes sir, you have seen some of the finest gearjammin' in all of this country. 'Member, these are the boys that take the long hauls. They really did it today..."

By this time the two schemers have exited their vehicle, and are looking for the Bandit. The appearance is quite a site. The son is about two feet shorter than the other. He walkedup to a few people.

"Hoss?"

"Hm?"

"Uh, where might I find the Bandit?"

"I ain't seen him." the guy replied.

"Over there behind his rig." The girl said.

"Who want's to see him?" A guy adds in, coming up behind the short one.

"Who's askin?" The taller replies.

"I'm askin'." The guy says. "cause I'm the guy payin' him 25 a day so all his loyal fans can look at him."

"Do it." The bigger one tells the smaller one. The smaller pulled out a large wad of money. "I'm buyin' your attraction for a half an hour." he says.

As they walked along side the rig, looking at the Old Western scene of a bandit dressed in black robbing a horse-drawn carriage, the smaller of the two blurted out, "Egotistical son of a bitch."

"Any guy that would paint his truck like this would go to a minister's funeral dressed in feathers."

**Elfbrat18: I know it cuts off rather odd like that, but that's how we're doing the chapters, by the way they play out on the dvd.**

**Whistler: God bless the people who come up with subtitles...**


	3. The Big Bet

**The Big Bet**

_The view changes to show a man lounging in a hamok, his eyes shielded by dark sunglasses.

* * *

_

The larger guy continued to speak. "See, son? Old legends never die. They just lose weight."

"Seems like a legend and an out-of-work bum look a lot alike, Daddy." the smaller one retorted.

The big guys just laughed. "Bandit, me and my son are here."

Bandit lifted up his sunglasses and laughed out loud. "Oh I love your suits. It must be a bitch gettin' a size 68 extra-fat and a 12 dwarf."

"I came to make a deal." the bigger said. "Uh, what's he get if he wins this truck rodeo thing?"

"If?"

"Five thousand dollars, Daddy."

"Chicken-shit money."

"Just what the hell you want, anyway?" Bandit asked.

"You to get out of this dumb-ass rodeo and accept a real challenge."

The Bandit thought about it and got up.

"Now getting to Texarkana and back in 28 hous, that's no problem." Bandit said.

"It ain't never been done before, hot shit." Little Y. Bakura Enos said.

"Watch your language, little lady." Bandit replied. "The problem is that Coors beer-You take that east of Texas and that's, uhthat's bootleggin'."

Little Y. Bakura Enos spoke up again. "You know I believe that you're just a little bit scared."

"That's great psychology. Why don't you just say somethin' bad about my mother?"

"Your mama is so ugly"

"Now, look, look." Big Ryou Enos interrupted. "You make this run for meThese Peterbilts here are worth 80,000. That comes to about three grand an hour if you make it in 28 hours. How about that for a challange?"

"Daddy I don't believe that that's necess"

"Never mind."

"Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Why do you want that beer so bad?"

"Because he's thirsty, dummy." Little Y. Bakura Enos said.

"You see I got a boy runnin' tomorrow in the Southern Classic, and, uh, when he wins, I wanna celebrate in style."

"How much style?"

"Well, I got a few friends and me. Uh... 400 cases."

Bandit mouthed, "Four hundred cases."

Big Ryou Enos asked, "Well?"

"Well, let me see your cash."

"Big Enos's word is gold."

But Bandit wasn't going to believe it until he seen proof. "Alright, show him the cash." he told Little Y. Bakura Enos. "Go ahead, Little."

"Shit." Little Y. Bakura Enos sighed.

"Well, let's see," Bandit began. "There's 400 cases of beer. I'll need the cash for that."

"No problem, go ahead boy." Big Ryou Enos said as Little Y. Bakura Enos began to count the money.

Noticing the one hundred dollar bills coming out the wazoo, Bandit decide to press further. "New car. Gotta have a new car to block for the truck."

"Okay, go ahead boy."

"I'd like to kick his ass just once." Little Y. Bakura Enos muttered.

He counted out a few more hundred.

"Speedy car."

He counted out another hundred or so.

"Speedier than that."

"Go ahead."

Little Y. Bakura Enos made a whinnying sound as he counted out even more.

**Elfbrat18: I know, I know, we are evil.**

**Whistler: Poor Y. Bakura...**


	4. Bandit One and Bandit Two,Together Again

**Bandit One and Bandit Two...Together Again**

_Scene changes to Bandit pulling the rig into an old dusty driveway that is littered with kids running around and playing.

* * *

_

As the rig came to a stop, a small girl, maybe around the age of 10 came up to the rig and opened the door.

"Hello, darlin'." Bandit greeted, climbing down.

"Hi, Uncle Bandit."

"Which one of the house apes are you?"

"Kate."

"Oh, he's droppin' 'em like flies, isn't he?" Bandit wondered out loud as he walked to the house.

"Well, well, well. Hello beautiful." he greeted the peach-haired woman in rollers as she stopped him in his tracks at the steps. "How about gorgeous?"

"You can't have him." she stated.

"Well, obviously you can. What are you trying to do, start another race?" he asked, making her back up as he attempted to get into the house.

"Hey, look, Bandit. Look, look, look. You got Kaiba in jail once. Leave us alone."

"Hi Uncle Bandit!" A small kid with dark hair said, jumping onto Bandit's back and clinging to him by the neck.

"He ain't your damned uncle!" she said, getting more frstrated.

"Hello, Mokuba. I thought I recognized you..." was all he said as she backed up into the dog by accident.

"One of you damed kids get this mutt outta here!" she hollered.

"...You always kick me in the balls." Bandit continued.

"Damn it Bandit! Look at me!"

"I find it hard to look at you, Serenity.Very hard. Especially when you've got those things in your hair. Makes me think you're listening to a radio station in Savannah."

"You can't go in there and bother Kaiba. Hey! This is my home!" Serenity shouted, but it was heard on deaf ears.

Bandit walked into Kaiba's room after dropping off Mokuba. "Kaiba."

"No!"

Lifting the window shade, Bandit continued. "I know in the past I may have done you wrong." He pulled back the covers at the head of the bed to find two feet in black socks. Picking one up he said, "Right?"

"Right."

"However, in the future, Kaiba," Bandit said, knealing onto the bed and putting one hand on each side of the rumpled lump, jerking back the covers, "I will never, ever, do you wrong again. Right?"

Kaiba grunted and rolled over onto his stomach. "Right."

"Yeah, now we have a big chancea big chance to make a run for some big bucks." Kaiba tried to bury his head in the pillow to block out the words, inhaling and yawning. "80,000 of 'em."

"Oh, really?"

"Mm-hmm."

"What are we gonna do, kidnap the Pope or somethin'?"

Laughing, Bandit said. "How'd you guess? No. We're just gonna run over to Texarkana and pick up 400 cases if Coors, and bring it back in 28 hours." he finished, getting off the bed and throwing Kaiba a pair of pants.

"Whoa. I got a flash for you." he said, getting up. "That's called bootleggin', and that's against the law."

"Well who gives a turkey when the Snowman and the Bandit are runnin' the booze?" He held up a shirt. "No one can stop us."

"No. Hold it right there." Kaiba said, pulling the shirt and pants on. "There ain't gonna be no more Snowman and Bandit."

"Why?"

"Well, because I've got to go in the morning to Conyers, and pick up a load of manure."

"Shitty job."

"Can I ask you a question?" Kaiba asked as Bandit sprayed him with some of that spray-on deodorant, or something.

"Sure. Ask me."

"What the hell we wann go to Texas for and haul beer back here? What is that?"

"For the good of the American life.For the money, for the glory, and for the fun. Mostly for the money. Know what we're gonna do when we get the money?"

"Hm, what?" Kaiba asked, buttoning up his shirt.

Bandit lifted his chin. "We're gonna buy a new rig."

"You're crazy, you know that."

"Yeah."

"You know that."

Bandit began laughing maniacally. "Yes."

"How much money did you say it was?"

"Eighty thousand dollars."

"Eighty thousand dollars."

"Mm-hmm."

"Serenity!"

* * *

_Scene changes to Bandit and Kaiba outside.

* * *

_

"Now, Yami, I'm tellin' ya, Fred here ain't gonna be no problem." Kaiba said, hoisting the basset hound in his arms.

"Well, I can see he's gonna be a major asset."

"And besides that, he's one hellaciopus watchdog."

Chuckling, Yami said, "Well, let's get goin'."

"Um, whoa. Uh, hold it a minute."

"What?"

"I got to ask you a question."

"Sure."

"Sit right here Fred," Kaiba said, placing the dog in the trailer. "You mean we're gonna drive from here to Texarkana, Texas, and back to here in only 28 hours?"

"It's only 900 miles there and 900 miles back."

"Well, for your information, it ain't never been done, not in no rig."

"That's cause you and I ain't never done it in no rig. You gotta stop thinking so negative, son. 'Course we can make it. We ain't never not made it yet, have we?"

"Well, no."

"You see? There you are." Yami said, climbing into the trailer.

"Yeah. Yeah, I see. I see, all right. I see our asses in a sling if we get caught, that's what I see." Kaiba said, picking up a whimpering Fred and moving him.

The sound of a moter starting tore Kaiba from his train of doubts as he turned to see a black trans-am, driven by Yami, pulled out of the trailer.

Chuckling, he said, "Hey! Ho-ho-ho! Well God Almighty, would you look at that?"

Yami shifted so that he was halfway out of the window/roof and sitting on the door. "It's beautiful, huh?" he asked, chuckling.

"Honey, hush." Kaiba said, still chuckling. "Well, I don't guess we're gonna be ridin' in the truck together this time, are we?"

"Oh no, son. I'll be driving this one." he indicated to the car. "Blocker. You'll be driving the truck."

"I see."

"This is Bandit One, and that is"

"Uh, Bandit Two."

"Mm-hmm."

"Together again."

"Oh yeah. Like Fred and Ginger and Lester and Earl."

"That's right, but we got a problem."

"What's that?"

"You know them Smokeys, they got them C.B.s in the car now. You know that."

"I know that. I haven't worked that out yet, but I'm thinkin' about it."

"Hey."

"You got an idea?"

"I got an idea. Why don't we do this? If I say go to channel 21, forget it. We ain't goin' to 21, we'e going to 19."

"Twenty-one is 19."

"If I say got to channel six, forget it."

"Six?"

"We go to three."

"I don't go to six I go to three."

"Go to three."

"I go to three. Perfect."

"And if I say go to channel two, we're gonna go to channel one."

"Two is one."

"See that'll confuse everybody."

"That'll confuse 'em."

Kaiba laughed.

"On the other hand," Yami began, "if we started on the odd channels, switched everytime and started in the basement, that'd work too. That'd do it too, wouldn't it?"

"Well, yeah, that'd work too, I guess."

"Well let's haul ass." Yami said, sliding down into his seat.

"Okay."

As Kaiba and Fred went to get into the cab of the truck, Yami started the engine and sped off down the street.

* * *

_Scene changes to show the trans-am leaving a cloud of smoke as Yami slams the gas as soon as the stoplight goes from red to green with Kaiba and Fred in the truck not far behind, Fred constantly barking.

* * *

_

"Breaker one. Breaker one. This is the Bandit. Is the snowman out there? Am I hittin' ya, son?"

"Mercy sakes. Mercy sakes. You put about eight and a half on me. Blowin' my windows out. Bring it on."

Yami laughed. "I'll be within earshot. You keep it wound up to around 90. Ten-four."

"Hey, Bandit. Me and Fred's got a question."

"What do you and Fred want?"

"How come we doin' this?"

"Well, why not?"

"Well, they said it couldn't be done."

"Well, that's the reason, son."

"That's good with Fred. We're clear." Kaiba said, laughing.

"Ten-four." Yami replied with a grin.

_Westbound and down 18 wheels a-rollin'_

_We gonna do what they say can't be done_

_We're got a long way to go and a short time to get there_

_I'm westbound_

_Just watch ol' Bandit run_

_Keep your foot hard on the pedal_

_Son, never mind them brakes_

_Let it all hang out 'cause we got a run to make_

_The boys are thirsty in Atlanta_

_And there's beer in Texarcana_

_And we'll bring it back no matter what it takes_

_Westbound and down 18 wheels a-rollin'_

_We gonna do what they say can't be done_

_We've got a long way to go and a short time to get there_

_I'm westbound_

_Just watch ol' Bandit run _

_Night had fallen and Kaiba took little to any notice of the Smokey that passed him on the deserted road._

_Old Smokey's got them ears on_

_He's hot on your trail_

_And he ain't gonna rest till you're in jail  _

The sound of brakes sqealing caught the attention of an officer relieveing himself, and he quiclky got back into his car and trailed the trans-am.

_ So you've got to dodge him_

_You've got to duck him_

_You've got to keep that diesel truckin'_

_Just put that hammer down and give it hell _

_"Well, hello there, Smokey," Yami muttered, hearing the sirens blaring._

_Yami continued to fly down the street, almost literally, in attempts of ditching the officer._

_ Westbound and down 18 wheels a-rollin'_

_We gonna do what they say can't be done_

_We've got a long way to go and a short time to get there_

_I'm westbound  
Just watch 'ol Bandit run_

_Keep your foot on the pedal_

_Son, never mind them brakes_

_Let it all hang out cause we got a run to make_

_The boy's are thirsty in Atlanta_

_And there's beer in Texarkana  
And we'll bring it bacl no matter what it takes_

_Westbound and down 18 wheels a-rollin'_

_We gonna do what they say can't be done_

_We've got a long way to go and a short time to get there_

_I'm westbound just watch 'ol Bandit run _

It took a lot of manuvering for Yami to swerve in between some trees and bushes to hide behind a building as the police car continued to go on down the street. Yami stuck his head out the window and watched as the sirens faded before shifting back in his seat, thinking for a minute before looking up at the reader and giving one of his trademark big grins before speeding off in the oposite direction.

* * *

_Meanwhile, with Kaiba and Fred

* * *

_

"Fred, I hope me and you ain't lettin' Bandit talk us into somethin' we're gonna be sorry for, son, 'cause he's about as crazy as you are ugly." Fred barked in response and Kaiba just laughed.

* * *

_The scene changes again, and it is daylight once more.

* * *

_

Yami parked the trans-am by a large sign that read 'Welcome to the city of Texarcana.' His wait didn't last long as he heard the honking of the rig's horn coming up from behind him as Kaiba passed by. Yami, letting Kaiba know that he acknowledges his prescence, raised his arm and blew an invisble horn, like when little kids on a school bus pass by a rig, they do that to get the driver to blow the horn.

_ Westbound and down 18 wheels a-rollin'_

_We gonna do what they say can't be done_

_We've got a long way to go and a short time to get there_

_I'm westbound just watch 'ol Bandit run _

Yami was the first to pull up to the store. Kaiba rolled in shortly after and parked the truck in front of the car. Based from the sign that read 'Happy Birthday America', those too young to remember will recall that it was the Bicentennial Year.

"Big town, ain't it?"

"I wonder what they do around here for excitement." Yami mused.

"They probably sit around and watch the cars rust." Kaiba replied, making Yami laugh.

"Damn it, it's locked." Yami said, trying to open the door.

"We're about an hour ahead of schedule." Kaiba noticed, checking his watch.

Yami was heading for another door. "Well, let's keep it that way, huh?"

"All right."

Taking note that the other door was locked, Yami attempted to kick it open while Kaiba tried to open the doors to the storage room. Yami managed to get the door open, and as Kaiba was about to go in, Yami had already opened the storage room doors.

"Hey, wanna beer?" He asked, chuckling.

"Well, son!"

"Redneck heaven." Yami said.

"How we gonna load all this stuff, though?"

"I'll load it with this." Yami replied, noticing a forklift.

"You can't drive no forklift." Kaiba informed him.

"Oh, I can drive andy forkin' thing around." He said, hopping up on it. Kaiba laughed and stepped up on the forklift.

"Will you get serious? Can you drive this thing?"

"I am serious."

"Crank it up. Now back it up."

"Oh shut up." Yami said.

"I said Whoa! I said back it up, not raise it up!" Kaiba hollered, hanging on for dear life as Yami proved that he had no idea as to what he was doing.

"I'm backin' up, ya big dumbbell!"

"All right, just ta" but Kaiba didn't finish that sentence because Yami was heading right for the beer. "Hold it! ThThe beer! Watch the beer!" And before he knew what hit him Kaiba was thrown from the forklift and over some cases of Coors.

Yami was laughing his ass of at that point as he hopped off the forklift. "You all right?"

"Very funny! Very funny!"

"I thought it was funny."

After they had loaded up 400 cases of Coors and were shutting the doors, Kaiba said, "Hey, we really oughta pay somebody for that mess we made in there. All right, have you"

"I got that all worked out."

Yami pulled out a pen and pad of paper and handed it to Kaiba. "You just leave a note. Tell the folks to send the bill to Big Ryou Enos Burdette."

"Uh. Send bill to...Big Ryou Enos Burdette." He looked up in time to see the Firebird start up and peel out. "Burdette. B B-E-R B-U-R B Hell, I got to go." he said, giving up and tosisng the notebook aside, making a run for his truck.

**Elfbrat18: Hahahahahaha...**

**Whistler: Yes, we are so evil...Yami and Kaiba are truckdrivers...**


	5. The Bride Needs A Ride

**The Bride Needs a Ride**

_The scene changes to show Yami, once again, speeding down a deserted road.

* * *

_

"Hey, Spider-Man, are you out there? Come back." a man said over the C.B. Yami changed the channel.

"Snowman! How we doin', son? Come on back."

"Hang on just a minute, and I'll tell ya." Kaiab said, punching some buttons. "Looks like we're bout 28 minutes ahead of schedule. Come back."

"I hate to say I told you so."

"Don't lose your head, son. We still got a lot of boogeyin' to do."

"Put the pedal to the metal. I'm ten-ten on the side."

"For sure, for sure. Me and Fred, we got your back door, ain't we Fred?"

As Yami continued to go down the road, he noticed something that seemed out of place. A car was on the shoulder of the road, and decorated like it was to be for a bride and groom's wedding day. But the oddest thing, and Yami had to slam on the brakes for this one, was the bride that was standing in the middle of the road, flagging him down and still in her wedding dress, holding a bag of clothes, one could assume.

"Sorry, I don't want to get married." He replied with a grin.

"Teriffic. That makes two of us." she said, opening the passenger door and tossing her bag to Yami as she slid into the seat. "Could you unzip me?" she asked, with her back to him.

"Sure," he replied.

She turned back around to face him. "Does this thing move?" she asked.

"Oh, yeah." he said, gunning the engine and turning around.

Kaiba and Fred passed by the abandoned honeymoon getaway car and blew the horn at a bunch of stupid teenagers piled into an old beat up van that cut in front of them. Three guys got out, carrying a few small tools and heading for the abandoned car to see if there was anything worth taking.

Meanwhile, Yami and the runaway bride, followed by Kaiba and Fred swerved around another turn, not bothering to tap the brakes.

"Where are we going?" Yami asked, curious. "No, don't tell me. Let me guess. We are a bride in search of a wedding."

She removed the veil and tossed it out the window. "No."

"No?"

"There is a wedding in search of a bride." Yami looked at her quizically. Without the veil, he noticed that she had short chestnut brown hair pulled back into a small bun.

"Let me put it another way. Think of it as a wedding posse in search of a bride. You understand that, cowboy?"

"Yeah. What are you doin'?"

She propped up her feet on the dash board. "These are my shoes."

"Oh, yeah."

"And these are my legs."

"Yeah. What're ya gonna do with them?" he asked.

The bride grunted as she pulled the shoes off. "With the shoes, or the legs?" she asked, now placing her bare feet on the dash board.

"Last time I saw legs like that they had a message tied to 'em."

"What do you mean? These are great little legs. I'm a professional."

"Well in that case you shouldn't be dressed in white." he said, tossing the bag into the back seat.

"Dancer."

"Oh." He glanced at her again. "Well, cowboys love fat calves."

"They're not fat." she protested.

"Well, they're bigger than mine."

"Do we really want to talk about legs?"

"One of us does, otherwise we wouldn't have gone"

"Smart ass."

"What're we doin' now?" Yami asked, as the bride leaned into the back, grabbing her bag.

She grunted, "Well, I'm getting my clothes, you fool."

"That's a good idea. Why don't you slip into somethin' more comfortable?"

The bride looked at the speedometer. "Are we really going 110?"

"Uh-huh."

"We're going 110. Why do you wear that cowboy hat?" She asked, which was something that most would wonder about. It didn't necessaruli go with the tight-fitting black tank top and blue jeans, plus the wrist ornaments and the odd pendant that he wore on a chain around his neck, it was like an upside down pyramid with an engraved eye. "I know. Because you think it looks dazzling on you." she said, groaning.

"I had no idea when I bought this wedding dress it was going to be so hard to get out of."

**Elfbrat18: Yes, couldn't get more strange, could it?**

**Whistler: What, Yami being a smartass or him wearing a cowboy hat?**

**Elfbrat18: ...both...**


	6. Sheriff Buford D Justice

**Sheriff Buford D. Justice**

_Scene changes to the teen boys and the abandoned car.

* * *

_

One was trying to get the tires off and the other two were looking around inside the vehicle. All three were oblivious to the sound of a sheriff car pulling off onto the shoulder, not too far from them.

Out stepped a man with light-bluish kinda aqua hair, that fell to nearly his ankles, and was restrained with a hair band. His eyes were covered by tacky sunglasses and the way he moved made him appear more arrogant than he already was. The old-fashioned sheriff's hat he wore didn't do much to help his image out any either. The other man, maybe a foot or so taller, was wearing a cowboy hat over his blonde hair and ridiculous sideburns, a dark jacket over a light blue/gray vest and blue-white stripped tie, light blue shirt and dark pants. Needless to say he wasn't too bright.

They didn't make make thier prescence known for a short moment before the sheriff snapped his fingers, catching all three boys by surprise.

"Hold up on that car wash, gentlemen." Making his way to the car, he waved a hand in front of him. "Come here, son."

He popped the boy in the gut, making him double over. "Whoops," he said, chuckling. "You look tired, boy. Rest yourself." Immediately the three boys went flat against the car, not moving. "You punks look tuckered out, too."

Kicking the closest one in the ass with the side of his foot, he said, "That's an attention-getter. Now, a lady in a wedding gown."

"Yes sir."

"Get in a car?"

"Yes sir."

"See who was drivin'?"

"N-No, sir."

"License plate?"

"Y-Yes, sir. Uh, Georgia plates. Um, "BAN-ONE." Uh, B-A-N dash O-N-E."

"All right, now, you boys just stay here and watch the car. There might be some vandals around who wanna steal somethin', so you boys just stay here and keep your hands on the car until one of my associates arrive. And don't go home, don't go to eat, sand don't play with yourself. It wouldn't look nice on my highway. Oh, you can think about it, but don't do it."

From behind the sheriff the teens can see the moron behind him nodding at each word. When the sheriff turned around, he ran into said moron. Once he moved and went back to the car, the sheriff just rolled his eyes.

After they left, one said, "Hey, man, hehe's gone. Let's..Let's get outta here."

"Shit. You do what you want. I..I'm stayin' right here."

**Elfbrat18: Ya just met Darts. **

**Whistler: And Raphael (supposed to be Buford's son). Anyway, R+R!**


	7. Bandit and the Bride

**Bandit and the Bride**

_The scene changes yet again to show Yami, the fleeing bride, Kaiba, and Fred flying down a deserted street, just passing over an old concrete bridge.

* * *

_

"Uh, 28 years old andOh goodness, what's this?" Yami looked over to see that the bride had pulled the dress up over herselfa she she struggled to change clothes.

"I'll just tuck in right in. I was down here dancing in a home appliance show. II danced around three trash mashers."

Kaiba radioed in on the C.B., catching Yami's attention. "Talk to me, my boy."

The bride continued to talk. "I had this costume that lit up. And I only short-circuted once."

"Howdy there, good buddy." Yami answered.

"Where did you get that seat cover, son?"

"No. This ain't no seat cover-"

"Oh! So I was standing out in the parking lot..."

"-I'm sitting beside Lawrence of Arabia." Yami grinned, holding it over beside the bride's head as she rambled on, oblivious to what he was doing.

"...I met this guy. These can't be my pants. God, he was god looking, and he had this hat on."

Kaiba just listened and grinned.

"He was tall, and I think he was from Texas or something."

"Funny ain't she?" Yami said, then went about holding it over beside her again.

"..and I thought, 'I don't know, why don't you marry the guy? What else have you' "

* * *

_Scene changes to show the sheriff car also zooming down the road.

* * *

_

"Nobody walks out on a pretty weddin' I set up."

"Right."

"I'm gonna get that girl and set everything straight. She insulted my town. She insulted my son."

The taller and dumber of the two continued to nod at everything he said. "Look, what if we"

"Shut up. She insulted my authority."

"Yeah."

"And that's nothing but pure and simple, old-fashioned communism. Happens everytime one of those dancers starts poontangin' around with those show-folk fags."

* * *

_Scene changes back to Yami and the Bride.

* * *

_

"I mean I was halfway down the aisle, and I said to myself, 'Jesus Christ, what are you doing? His mother doesn't even have any teeth!'," Yami started laughing at that bit, the bride continued, "I jumped in this car, and it blew up on the side of the road. Then I ended up in this goddamn airplane. WHat do you do?" she asked, finally removing the dress to reveal that she wore high waisted light colored bell bottoms and a dark blue button up shirt.

Yami looked straight ahead and tried to keep a straight face when he said, "I don't remember."

"Oh, are we on the air?" She asked, noticing the contraption in Yami's hand.

"Sort of. Yeah."

"You think I'm nuts, don't you?" she grunted, adjusting herself in her seat with the gown stll behind her to make herself more comfortable.

"No, I don't think you're crazy. I picked up three brides yesterday, just like you, very subdued."

Kaiba thought it best to intervene at that point. "Hey, what" he laughed, "What's goin' on up there? Come back, Bandit."

She stopped brushing her hair. "Bandit?" she asked. "Is that your name or your profession?"

"That's my handle. Yami's my real name. What's your name?"

"Tea."

It was Kaiba again. "Hey, is she wearing a... wedding dress?"

Tea tossed it out the window and the bursts of wind carried it to who knows where.

"She was." Yami answered.

"What's she wearin' now? Come back." he asked, chuckling.

Yami laughed.

"Hey, you got peanut butter or somethin' in your ears? Tell me what that woman's got on! Her mind?" Hahahahahaha! Ten-four!" Kaiba finished, getting cheeky.

* * *

_Scene changes back to the sheriff and the moron.

* * *

_

"No coozie's gonna leave me in no church. Decoratin' up a whole town at a cost of 40. (A/N: Remember, that was a LOT a dinero back then...)

"Right."

The sheriff rolled his eyes. "I can see her now, runnin' back up that aisleNo, she was dancin' back up the aisle, her knockers bouncin' around all over the joint." and he lifted up both hand just for perverted emphasis. The other grabbed ahold of the steering wheel. "Let go of that wheel. Why, her ass was wigglin' too."

* * *

_Scene goes back to Yami and Tea...thank God...

* * *

_

"Why so fast? Ya late for a big bowling date?"

"Cute."

"So, tell me about yourself." Tea said, striking up conversation.

"What do you wanna know, my sign?"

"No, I mean, uh, what do you do besides drive fast?"

"Have fun."

"Is this fun?"

"Drivin'?"

"Oh, driving, talking to me."

"Well, they're both a challenge."

"You've got a great profile."

"Yeah, I do, don't I?" Yami said, looking in the rear view mirror. "Especially from the side."

"Well at least we finally agree on something."

"Yeah. We both like half my face."

They turned a corner and wound up driving in the opposite lane as they did so, and just happened to pass by a police car.

"Hey, would a cop taking a leak on the side of the road interest you?" Tea asked, turning in her seat.

"Hmm. Yes it would. He's takin' a ten-100."

"Well, at least it's better than a ten-200."

They both laughed as the sound of the sirens got closer to them.

"Smokey." Yami stated.

"Smokey." Tea repeated.

Yami nodded slightly and slammed on the brakes, making the car do a 36o and turn onto a dusty dirt road, kicking up dust as the siren continued to wail. The cop was not as successful in the sudden turn, it slowed him down.

"Is this fun?" Tea asked.

"I forgot to tell ya," Yami began, "I'm uh, runnin' blocker for 400 cases of illegal Coors."

Tea didn't say anything as they slid into a turn, with dust flying up every which way, making it harder to see where Yami was driving. The cop didn't fare much better, either, because the dust hadn't settled as he turned.

Up ahead, was a boy sitting on an old wooden dock fishing in the pond. Yami was able to manuever the car so that it was maybe a fraction of a hairline from going in. However, the boy cleared the dock as the approaching sirens and a blue police car came tearing through, unable to stop until it landed in the water.

"Holy shit." was all Tea could say.

Back at the partially submereged wreckage, the chubby officer, well now soaking wet chubby officer, climbed out of the passenger window grunting, "I don't believe this. Funny, I don't remember that turn."

Kaiba got back on the C.B. "Bandit, where in the hell are you?"

"I'll be back on the highway in a second."

"All right, good buddy. I'll keep my eyes peeled."

Afte getting back on the road, Yami fiddled with the C.B. "Them things are fabulous."

"I think I just went ten-100." Tea said.

"Well, it's better than ten-200." he replied."

"That's true." Tea said as Yami laughed.

Back in the rig, Kaiba was singing. "Well, the more wheels I got the better I like it. I'm a rowdy truck-drivin' mother.Boogity, bogity, boogity, boogity." Then he blew the horn.

"Snowman, you got your ears on?"

"You lucky devil, you got him. Where the hell are you?"

"I'm on a two-lane blacktop. Uh, highway marker number 71. How's our time doin'?"

"Oh, how are we doin' on time? Doin' about 25 minutes ahead of schedule. Come back."

"What's your 20?" Yami asked.

"Oh, I'm about four miles ahead of you, turkey," Kaiba grinned.

"Ha. Not for long," Yami laughed.

"Breaker, breaker to the bandit." came on from the C.B.

Yami answered. "Come on back, breaker."

"Bandit, I've got a Smokey report for you. Come on." replied the unknown speaker.

"Well, talk to me good buddy."

"You've got trouble comin'."

"Well, what's your handle, son, and uh, what's your 20?"

"My handle's Smokey Bear, and I'm tail-grabbin' you rass right now."

Tea and Yami turned around to see that the sheriff was behind them. "Goddamn. That's a Texas mountie. What the hell's he doin' in Arkansas?"

"I don't know." Tea replied rather quickly.

"Well, let's just see what he's got under the hood." Yami said, hitting the gas and speeding off. "Bye, bye baby." he sang. But the sheriff with the handle Smokey Bear wasn't going to give up that easily.

As Yami got closer to the rig, he radioed in to Kaiba. "Kaiba, you got your ears on, son?"

"Oh, bring it on you lucky devil."

"Comin' around you. Over."

"Look, be careful. You're gonna have to make your own lane, buddy, 'cause you definitely got oncoming traffic. Be careful. Be careful."

Yami took the advice and decided to see for himself as he tried sliding into the left hand lane. There wasn't a break for miles the way traffic was lined up. A few cars every second.

Tea caught on to what Yami was doing and jumped out of her seat, saying "Oh, myOh my God!" and sticking her butt in the air, looking out the back window so that she wouldn't have to watch the oncoming cars come closer and closer to the one she was in.

The horns from passenger were honking, telling Yami that it was a no go that way. "I'm about to be killed in thisin this moving C.B. radio show, and II don't even have a handle!" Tea whimpered, gripping the seats so hard her knuckles turned a whole new shade of white.

"You want a handle? Okay, I'll think one up for ya." Yami said as they went over a bump, making Tea go "Ooh!"

By that point Yami had abandoned the thought of going into the left-hand lane and decided to drive in the ditch instead. "Let's see. Oh, I got one for ya!"

"What?"

"Uh...just give me a minute here."

"Ooh! Oh!" Tea was getting bumped around the car in the position she was in. Partly beacuse Yami had just torn through five or six mailboxes as he got back on the highway.

"He done good, didn't he Fred?" Kaiba asked his dog, watching them swerve back onto the road. Fred barked.

Tea had finally gotten back into a normal seating position. "What?" she asked, referring to what Yami had mentioned about a handle for her.

"Frog."

"Why?"

"'Cause you're always hoppin' around, and you're kinda cute like a frog, and I'd like to jump ya." Yami finished, glancing at Tea with a cheeky grin.

**Elfbrat18: Yes...very OOC...lol**

**Whistler: This might be it for a while, but we'll try to update as much as we can. I know, we are so evil for doing this, but wouldn't it make a great series or somethin'?**


End file.
